It's Not Fair - (Warning: Strong Language)
Feb 01, 2019
I received permission to share this journal entry from one of our Connections ladies. At our group meeting I defined being "mindful" as being fully present as you; in touch with feelings, aware of desire, engaging in life.
I could see the shock on her face as she had been thinking that being "mindful" was being on guard, hyper-vigilant and ready for anything.
She shared this response at our next meeting. It reflects the deep impact of sexual abuse and the healing connection to the anger of how it impacts life.
Be aware as you read it - the language is strong and reflects authentic emotion!
"I am so angry about last night. I am angry because I missed out on so much. I lost so much in my life. One by the hands of others and me by my own fear and defensiveness.
Listening to Rebecca describe what real "being in the moment is" has set me off inside. I can barely contain the rage within me.
- It's not fair that I had to suffer through all the shit as a child!!
- Its not fair I had to search for other people to make my family.
- It's not fair that I had to give up being a little girl before I was ready.
- It is not fair.
- It's not fair that all the ways I created to protect myself are now killing me.
Dam I hate this. I hate that I believe I am not enough to be loved by my them. I hate that I am constantly on guard even when I don't even know it!! No woman deserves this shit. No young girl, no little girl deserves to wonder the streets screaming with no clothes on because she was just rapped. No young girl deserves to be sacrificed so a brother can stay free. So a family is not embarrassed, so a mother is not talked about in the neighborhood. I am so fucking exhausted of carrying everybody else's damn shit!!"
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